Lately, I’ve had more time to think. I heard journaling is good for you, so I’m going to start writing down some thoughts on my blog.
Those who know me know that I like to ask questions.
One thing that I have been thinking about lately is what success means to me.
What is success? What does it mean to live a successful life? What does it mean to be successful in business? In your career? What does it mean to raise your children successfully? What do people mean when they say someone is successful?
I feel like society sends us messages and paints pictures of what success should look like. If I were an outside observer of American society, this is how I would define success:
-having a big house
-driving nice cars
-having a career where you make a lot of money
-having a career where you manage a lot of people
-taking fancy vacations
-owning lots of stuff
Here are some people that would fit this definition of success: Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos. The world makes it easy to believe that these are some of the most successful people in the world, at least in the world of business. But is that what success is? These men are all divorced now, even Bill Gates. Elon Musk had an affair with his billionaire friend’s wife, and now that marriage is over too. One thing I noticed is that society is completely fine with overlooking the quality of a person’s relationships, as long as they are successful in business.
The world does not put much emphasis on the impact the person has on the poor and those in need. Bill and Melinda Gates have a foundation that does a lot of good work around the world helping people, but we don’t hear much about that in the news.
What if success looked different? What if it was more relational? What if it looked more like this:
-how many people we can help
-how many people we can lift out of poverty
-how many people we can heal
-how many people’s spirits we can lift up
-how many people we can encourage
-how many people we can feed
I’m not sure if this is true, but Sadio Mané, a soccer player from Senegal, uses his wealth to build schools, hospitals, stadiums, and give money to people in his home country of Senegal so they can live a better life (see here).
When I compare the two versions above, I think most people would agree the latter version of success (relational) would be better and would make the world a better place. However, I feel like so many of us, myself included at times, gravitate towards living like the first version (stuff) matters more.
Why is that?
Lately, I’ve been asking myself what it would look like to be a successful real estate agent. Of course, this would look different for many people.
The past 2.5 years was extremely busy for me. I helped a lot of people buy and sell houses, and I made a good amount of money. Most people would consider this a success. But if I’m being completely honest, my marriage struggled at times because of it. I had to sacrifice a lot of family time to provide the best service for my clients.
What I’m seeing is that many people who are successful in business struggle with relationships at home and with friends. I mean, it makes sense. The more time we spend on our business, the more successful it tends to be. But what is the cost? Family relationships? Friendships? It’s a fine balance. Is there a happy medium?
Now that I have more time to think, I’m asking myself, “what do I value?” Do I value having a happy marriage and being a present father, or do I value having a highly successful business? Is it really possible to have both?
In the real estate industry, we get awards for “Top Producer” and high volume sales. It’s easy to get sucked in.
What would a more balanced life look like to me? What if instead of aiming to sell $20M+ in real estate in a year, I sold $5M-$10M and made just what I needed to support my family. Wouldn’t that give me more time with my family? More time to exercise and be healthy? Less stress? Less anxiety? And most of all, better relationships?
Should I aim for less (worldly success)? But would less (stuff) actually be more (relationships)? Hmm… maybe that’s the answer.
One thing I noticed above is that a lot of money isn’t necessarily bad. In fact, the soccer player I mentioned above earns over $10M/yr and does a lot of good with it. Money itself is amoral (neither good nor bad), but I think it can easily corrupt many of us, give us big egos, and make us think we are entitled to more than others because we have “worked harder” for it.
I know my thoughts are scrambled here, but I think I’ve come up with a conclusion, at least for myself. I think I view success as being successful in relationships, not having the best stuff or a lot of stuff. The hard part is to try to live out those values.
If you’ve read up to here, thank you. And if you have time, please comment below and let me know your thoughts.
Great write up Danny! You can do both! Find passive income. Make ton of money while you can. It is also a blessing that you can work, you have work, and make lots of money. Park that money in commercial real estate or index funds so that you can have the freedom to hang with your friends and family. You have zero debt, so you are way ahead of the curve! Keep it up! Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are doing a lot for your family and kids will appreciate it when they are little older. Lastly, you are already doing “relational” definition of success.
It is a blessing to be able to work, but unchecked, I think it can take up more time than we want it to. I think we have more than enough financially, so maybe it’s time to spend more time with people. Thanks for following along and commenting. It motivates me to keep writing.
I think about this stuff all the time. I think relational success is ideal and probably what we should strive for. However, the pressures and temptations of society easily persuade us to live otherwise. The difficulty is figuring out what the right balance is. Something’s gotta give!
Yes, it is a fine balance. Hope we figure it out!
I think it’s Sophie’s choice between ambition and happiness. When you are ambitious, it’s hard not to take the opportunity to make more commission when the opportunity is right there and when there’s pressure from society. When you aren’t as ambitious, the decision is easier.
Sometimes you need to do a mental check and remind yourself what makes you happy in the end. Is it worth working a couple more extra sales, while sacrifice hang out times with your family? You have weigh your time with earning money. Life is short. Work a little bit less now and spend time with your family and then work more once they are in college? I don’t know. I think you’ll figure it out with your wife. Ask her what her thoughts are? If you have enough money to spend, why go into overkill? Remember to enjoy life before the kids become grumpy adolescents 🙂
I agree I have to make a choice. I think logically it’s easy to think that I can just reduce my time at work a little bit to have more time, but I think it’s a little more complicated than that. To me, it looks more like either 100% or 0% instead of 100% or 50%. I wouldn’t feel right providing half my full effort to my clients. I suppose I could take on fewer clients in the busy times, but that doesn’t really make sense for me either. Thanks for your input.
Hey Danny – I loved your write up on this, and I’ve been enjoying your more ‘stream of consciousness’ blog entries 🙂 I became a mother for the first time in March of 2021, and I wanted to comment briefly on your desire to be a more present father. I am lucky in that my husband has made fatherhood time a priority. And, studies show that it goes farther than just having a better relationship with your children. In families with absent fathers, the children are more likely to struggle in ways we are just beginning to understand as a society. I’m not saying this to guilt you, but instead to tell you that you are extremely important as a parent! Our society stresses the importance of mothers over fathers, and they’re finding that that not only harms the fathers because they are less appreciated, but it also is harmful to the children, who learn different things from fathers than they do with mothers. Father’s encourage their children to take risks, that maybe they need to try harder if they want to succeed, and lots of other important skills that will serve them in their life. It’s extremely hard to find that balance, but, if there is anything I’ve learned about being a parent, it’s that that ‘parent-guilt’ actually means you’re doing a great job! It means you CARE! Hope this gives you a little encouragement 🙂
Thank you for the encouragement. I agree that present fathers provide something different than what mothers provide. I think one role as a father is to be a provider. I sometimes feel that I have to give up doing my best to be a provider to be able to spend time with my kids. I also feel like I should always provide my best effort for my clients, which many times causes me many times to temporarily prioritize them over my family. Congratulations on becoming a mother! 16 months now so must be walking around now? Thanks for following along.
I think part of the problem with the question “How do I live a successful life” stems from the fact that we’re trying to attribute success with life. It’s very much like trying to say “I want to live a good life” when there are so many interpretations to those two combination of words. We simply can’t do that. Or better yet, maybe it’s better to draw an analogy to trying to live a “happy life.” Happiness is a temporary state that cannot be “full,” so to try and achieve happiness all the time is impossible. Same with money, appetites, etc.
Instead, I think if we live a life where we pursue several goals, we will be able to look back and say that we had a lot of success. This would be akin to people looking back at their lives and saying, “I had a happy life” when in reality it was filled with many positive emotions such as happiness, love, excitement, etc, amidst the negative emotions such as sadness, depression, anxiety, etc – it’s just that they either remember more of the happy moments at the time they say the expression or they felt happiness more than any other emotion.
So perhaps the right mindset is for us to live a life of many things so that we could look back and say that we lived a life of much success, but also a life of much love, much passion, much health, much wealth. I think deep down many of us know and want to live a “full” life. Hence, the popularity of books like Purpose Driven Life and Wild At Heart and anything that gives us the permission to seek more with our lives. I think it’s the reason so many people have mid-life crises or are having trouble finding joy in their jobs, family, or lives. It’s also the reason we even have those “ego trips” because it’s in our DNA to feel proud and accomplished when we discover or conquer something new.
All this to say, I think we can have it all. While I’m definitely wrong in that thinking, I’d hate to limit my potential for the sake of trying to be right.
Looks like you put a lot of thought into this! I think I see your point. I guess we should enjoy the process or the journey instead of focusing so much on an end result. Happiness and success are fleeting and temporary (yet still worth pursuing), but too much focus on a result may lead to disappointment. Or maybe I’m missing it still?
I’ve practically thought about this for over half my life lol…hence my first comment and then the following response. =P
I still like results, and I still believe we need to hit benchmarks on our way to whatever goals we set. Otherwise, progress will be open to interpretation and no one will really know for sure whether something was truly gained from said process.
Enjoying the journey is something you either do because you truly love the hunt/chase, or something you’re forced to accept as a consolation prize. While the latter half of my statement could trigger dissenting opinions, I think too many “consolation prizes” and little to no results should lead people to the introspection of self and/or their processes. This introspection in the startup world often leads to “pivoting,” and startups either make it or break it based on their pivots.
Lastly, it’s okay to be disappointed, but it’s not okay to stay disappointed (I’m pretty sure someone said this better). I think when I was trying to avoid feeling disappointed at all costs, disappointment hit me hard. But as you mention in your newest post, failure or disappointment (or whatever you want to call it) is vital to our growth. And just to tie this in with success, I’d say growth is really important, since it is a great indicator of whether someone will achieve success in one area or another.
I didn’t realize you put so much thought into this. It’s interesting to see you guys took a much different path than most in the area. I know you tried working in the corporate world, but I guess you’re meant to be an entrepreneur. In many ways, I feel that I’m meant for something similar. I think it’s overcoming the fear/doubt/instability that’s difficult. I think I’m in a financial position to take more risk now, so we’ll see how the future turns out. I am working on having a stronger mindset.
Err…can’t edit, but I meant to say…
“All this to say, I think we can have it all. While I may be wrong in that thinking, I’d hate to limit my potential for the sake of trying to be right.”
A friend of mine had his Dad in the hospital with his days numbered. He shared that he saw his mom climb into the hospital bed next to his Dad and they started talking about their life. They were talking about all the things they did together, the memories they built, as they laughed and cried to together for the last time. He got the feeling that they felt they ran their race well.
When I told the story to Christina, we imagined ourselves in that situation. What would we want those stories to be? What would we be proud of/happy about if we lived out our values well? What markers would show us that we were good parents to our kids? During that time, we came up with more on what wouldn’t be on the list and what we probably wouldn’t spend time talking about than what would be. All in all, in the end, it helped us to prioritize what really mattered to us and how to re-focus and drive towards what really mattered to us, esp. in the areas that seem counter NoVA cultural.
That’s a great way to get some perspective. I’m continuing to think more deeply about what really matters in life and what our purpose really is here. Thanks for the comment!